Monday, May 24, 2010

Inside Out

Going to church and studying Gods word with a Best Girlfriend is so wonderful. I am so loving the Bible study that we are doing at our church right now. Its called Inside Out and its about learning how to have God live on the inside of us out, instead of outside in. We are only in week 2 of the study, but already it has opened my eyes to so much. For so long I was feeling like I was this horrible person. Like trouble followed me around or I had shame written across my forehead or something. I was only made to feel that way a few years ago when I had gotten into a huge fight with several ladies I scrap booked with. The fight did not involve them at all, but they jumped into it taking sides and sent horrible emails to me and phone calls telling me what a horrible person I was. How I needed to seek counseling and sent many bible scriptures that I do not even think they truly understood. They hurt other ladies that were my friends and made them feel guilt and shame for being my friends. It was awful time of my life. Its weird how when someone plants seeds of doubt in your mind, it can take over your whole being. That's what we are learning. How if we entertain little ole doubt by inviting it into our minds and heart, then in follows is so much more. From doubt comes depression, fear, insecurities, worry, low self-esteem. All things that can completely destroy our lives if we choose to let them. For about 3 years now these things have lived in my mind and heart and have been destroying who I really am. I have always been very loyal, strong willed, sweet, kind hearted person. Have never met a stranger, and loved everyone. A real happy go lucky girl. Never really had problems making friends. At the same time I have never been one to take abuse for others, nor let others tear me down. Would walk away from bad company without a thought. For some reason I let these women get inside of my head. Turning me into this person I, nor others could recognize. I finally have come to realize that I am none of the things that these ladies accused me of being. I may have become the person they accused me of being, but inside, I am NOT this person. Yes, I do take blame for my bad behavior in the situation and realize there were many other ways I could have handled this situation, but I am NOT the things they had me believe I was. We all make mistakes in our lives and we all do and say things sometimes we are not proud of, but for the most part we are all good people just trying to live in a really bad world. As adults we have forgotten to have hearts of children, where we disagree about something and then forgive one another almost in the same sentence. What I have learned the last few weeks in this class and at Church is that when someone is hurting, they hurt others. They lash out at the ones they love. My best friend was hurting because of a really tragic event in her life, and because of this, she lashed out and hurt me. It was how I handled this hurt that destroyed our friendship. Instead of excepting her hurt and helping her through it, I hurt her back. I am not blaming myself entirely, as it is true that it takes more than one to tango, but I could have done things differently if I had more control over my emotions at the time. If I had taken my thoughts that came into my mind and took control of them, then my heart would have not gotten involved and emotions would have not been vented and then words would have not been said. What my Pastor said in church yesterday is so true,

Sow a thought--Reap an Action
Sow a Action--Reap a habit
Sow a Habit--Reap a Character
Sow a Character--Reap Destiny

In one day, with one phone call, I Sowed a thought, and that thought became a action, and that action set forth more actions, which became a habit, and then that habit became a character, and then that character destroyed friendships which changed destiny. All because of a thought that I did not have control over. I just let my emotions take over. Because of one thought, many, many people were hurt and many friendships were lost. It certainly is hard when you come to the realization of your wrong doings. Really makes you wish you could rewind. But that is not what this class is about. We are not suppose to have regret or shame of the things we have done in our past. We are not perfect. Only Jesus was perfect and because of what he did for us, we are forgiven. I am starting to have a great sense of freedom now. I no longer feel angry. I am free of doubt, depression, fear. I no longer fear that I will loose friends. I no longer doubt who I am, I am no longer sad. I no longer feel guilt or shame. All I am right now is very thankful for the friends I have in my life, for the family I have, and most of all for Jesus who stuck by my side and helped me get through this rough time in my life. For forgiving me for my mistakes and for loving me so much that he died a horrible death for me. I cannot wait to learn more in this class. I know it will be something that I carry in my heart for the rest of my life. I know that I will never have this sort of thing happen again because I am learning how to capture my thoughts and guard my heart. I am learning that when someone hurts me, that really its them hurting. I know life will be easier when God is living Inside Out.

1 comment:

Stacey F. said...

I just read all of your eloquent words and was very moved. I'm glad that you are doing so well spiritually! Sounds like you've found a great church. I am also pleased to see that you are recognizing what a wonderful person you are! You've broken those shackles from incidents with others that brought you down! And you are flying free girl!

I sure miss you (and all the other gals!) I hated missing the retreat!

Love you! - Stacey